Poem: Abandoned

I wake to blackness and call for you,
But an answer never comes.
I search for you and find emptiness,
I light a candle in the dark
but the wind blows it out.
Like a child, I call out to you
While the darkness laughs at me.

Where did you go?
What did I do?
What do I do... now?

Like a child. Abandoned.
Is God laughing too?
I can't look Him in the eye.
My failure is my shame.
Alone. I am truly alone.
How do I go on?

I know I am alone by choice.
I choose not to turn around
And run into arms outstretched.
I hear Him calling but still it feels
like laughter to me on the inside.
Maybe because I am laughing at myself.

Unready to face my Father,
I simply lean back against Him.
I feel the warmth and power
Of His embrace.
Finally, I rest.

How do I grow?
How do I know the path?
I rest for almost an eternity.
Patiently He waits for me.
I light a candle in the dark
but the wind blows it out.
I light it again,
And chastise the wind.

This time I refuse to take no for an answer.

Finally, I turn and face Him.
I see the light of His smile.
I am hurt, but He will heal.
I am lost, but He will guide me.
The pain stays. But, so does He.
And, He is more than enough.

Obviously this poem came out of a very dark time in my life. My wife had left my son and me, and I was there trying to figure out how to take care of a 3 year old boy by myself. At first I really only thought about what my son was going through. I felt so bad for him and I wanted so badly to take the pain away. In the first couple months, it seemed like he would cry for an hour every night caling for his mommy before he would finally go to sleep. There were definitely nights that I just held him and cried right along with him. Watching this little guy go through that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Eventually, I began to deal with my own loss, and this poem really is a reflection of that. For me, it's true that there was intense shame for not being able to make it work. I have an uncle who who is divorced. That's it. Everyone else in my rather large family has made it work (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, etc.). I never expected to end up there, and I was shocked when it happened to me. I actually refused to talk to my family for about a month after it happened. It felt like all eyes were on me everywhere I went. Even God was distant, because I had pushed Him away.

I'm thankful to say that I'm very much healed and in a better place now. It was a very difficult time but I think it made me stronger and wiser (at least I hope so!). That is where this poem comes from. Thanks for reading!